I hate bogus contracts

If you want to colo, and you have a contract, great. Please edit out all the legalise crap that doesn't make sense to anyone. I hate contracts, by and large.

A simple concise contract might read: 

  MonkeyBrains will provide electricity and a fast network connection for
  $500 per month for 2 2U servers.  XXXXX vows to maintain these
  servers on their own to their best abilities.  Any work desired from
  MonkeyBrains will be negotiated in a separate contract.  The Colocation
  includes physical access as long as XXXXX pays their bills in a timely
  fashion.  As XXXXX's CTO, John Doe has discussed all
  colocation issues with MonkeyBrains' owner, Rudy Rucker, and is
  satisfied with the colocation facilities, accessibility, and
  MonkeyBrians' knowledge of said colocation issues.

  ___________________   Date:__________
  Rudy Rucker

  ___________________   Date:__________
  John Doe
Below is a crappy, nonpertinent contract with comments (Like This).

Prelude: MonkeyBrains is more of a connectivity provider than a Systems Administrator service. I (Rudy) highly recommend to all companies which plan to run UNIX servers to have a full time UNIX administrator who tends to daily server and network tasks. SA (Server Admin) costs more.

Often, I don't know the login info (eg root password) for my colocation customers servers. Their machines are fully controlled by the customers' Internal Technology departments. This is pure colocation services, no SA.

Some cutomers do give MonkeyBrains access. MonkeyBrains helps them out when they are in a pinch, but they have trained UNIX personel to handle most of their problems. The help MonkeyBrains provides is on a paid hourly basis. 



Date: Fri, 12 Jan 2001 11:19:34 -0800
From: John Doe <jdoe@XXXXX.com>
To: Rudy <rudy@monkeybrains.net>
Subject: Re: paperwork


COLOCATION SERVICES AGREEMENT


This Colocation Services Agreement (^ÓAgreement^Ô) is entered into on the
date last written below by and between MonkeyBrains. and its principal,
Rudy Rucker (individually and collectively, "Provider^Ô) with a place of
business, 1043 Marin Street. San Francisco, CA 94124, and XXXXX, INC.
(^ÓXXXXX^Ô), a California corporation, with a place of business at 101
Main Street, San Francisco, California 94100, USA.

XXXXX desires to retain Provider as an independent contractor to perform
consulting services and colocation services as set forth herein,
(^ÓServices^Ô) for COMPANY from time to time and XXXXX is willing to
perform such services, on the basis set forth more fully below.
In consideration of the mutual promises contained herein, COMPANY and
XXXXX agree as follows:
1.0     Description of Services


1.1.  Provider will provide to XXXXX computer server "colocation"
services for two (2) servers (namely, XXXXX.com and pornraider.com) at
its facilities in San Francisco, California.    The services/software on
these machines include, but are not limited to:


Nothing is stated about 1.1 about how this relates to MonkeyBrains.  
I commented on areas where I have no experience.  Frankly, the servers 
can run whatever you wish.  I only measure bandwidth, the hardware is 
yours and you are free to run whatever software you please.  I don't 
see any reason for this information to be in a colocation agreement.

1.2. Provider will provide to XXXXX physical access to the
facilities in the form of:
    a. hand scan authentication for access through the facility's
    security system.
    b. door number code for access through facility's security
    system
    c. key to padlock on the server cage (namely, cage 50) at the
    colocation facility. 


If bills are not paid in a timely manner, you will lose this privledge.
This is MonkeyBrains' security against customers defaulting in their 
payments.  Any hardware abandoned in the cage or left upon defaulting 
in payment will be used to cover MonkeyBrains' costs.  Any excess 
hardware will be returned to XXXXX.  Any hardware liquidated in excess
of fees owed MonkeyBrains will result in a check for the balance being
sent to XXXXX.  At MonkeyBrains' option, other collection means may be
used and the hardware kept as a lien.


1.3 From time to time and at XXXXX's request and Provider's
availability, Provider will provide to XXXXX consulting services in
the form of, but not limited to, server administration,
installation of software/hardware, troubleshooting, and other
systems administration related tasks.  XXXXX and Provider agree
that all such requests, if non-emergency, will be completed within
3 business day unless otherwise agreed upon by both parties. For
emergency services, XXXXX and Provider agree that emergency
services will be completed as soon as possible  as arranged by the
parties.


    

  1. 1.3 is somewhat unclear.  If their is a non-MonkeyBrains disaster
(for example, pornraider.com's hard disk crashes) and MonkeyBrains is
not available for work, then you will need to fix the problem yourself.
A MonkeyBrains' disaster might be a broken switch --- the link between
your server and the Internet.  If MonkeyBrains (Rudy or a UNIX friend),
has a free schedule, then such work may be undertaken.   The further I
read into this contract, the more I want colocation and freelance work
separated out.  Those are really different departments of MonkeyBrains.

  2. XXXXX agrees to have an employee knowledgeable in their systems and all 
the software listed in Section 1.1.  This employee will also have as their
primary job description: Network and Server Administraion.  If this
position is every vacated, XXXXX agrees to hire a replacement.  This 
position will reduce the number of day-to-day problems XXXXX encounters 
which require MonkeyBrains intervention.







2.0     Acceptable Use Policy
Provider desires to run a fast efficient network and deal minimally with
customers. XXXXX desires to have a professional, reputable and loyal
ISP.    MonkeyBrains and XXXXX agree to abide by the following acceptable
use policy:

Comment on above:  MonkeyBrains is the most kickass ISP in town!
Comment on below:  Most of this was pulled from the MonkeyBrains site.
Much of it pertains to dialup users or @monkeybrains.net customers,
Not colocation customers
      1.      Warranties/Disclaimers: Anyone who uses MonkeyBrains'
      services, is doing so "as is" with no guarantees, no warranty of
      any kind. MonkeyBrains has no intention of being financially liable
      to any customer for any harm that may occur through their use of
      MonkeyBrains' services, regardless of whose fault it might be.
      MonkeyBrains' total economic obligation to clients will never
      exceed the total amount of dollars paid to MonkeyBrains per month
      of service.
      XXXXX and MonkeyBrains warrant that the Services performed under
      this Agreement will be performed in a workmanlike manner.  THE
      FOREGOING WARRANTY IS IN LIEU OF ALL OTHER WARRANTIES, EXPRESS OR
      IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THOSE CONCERNING
      MERCHANTABILITY, FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE OR
      NONINFRINGEMENT OF THE THIRD PARTY RIGHTS.  NO REPRESENTATION OR
      STATEMENT NOT EXPRESSLY CONTAINED IN THIS AGREEMENT AND DESIGNATED
      AS A WARRANTY SHALL BE BINDING UPON XXXXX AS A WARRANTY OR
      OTHERWISE.  IN THE CASE OF A BREACH OF WARRANTY BY XXXXX,
      COMPANY^ÒS SOLE AND EXCLUSIVE REMEDY SHALL BE AT XXXXX^ÒS OPTION TO
      (i) OUTLINE WITH PARTICULARITY THE DEFECTS IN THE SERVICES RENDERED
      AND TO COOPERATE WITH XXXXX SO THAT XXXXX CAN CORRECT THE DEFECTS
      WITHIN A MUTUALLY AGREED UPON TIME PERIOD OR (ii) RECEIVE REFUND OF
      THE FEES PAID TO DATE.
      2.      Security: The fact that a customer uses a password does not
      guarantee that any communication or use of MonkeyBrains' services
      is truly secure. The truly paranoid will reduce the amount of
      exposure to packet sniffing by only logging in via the 56K modem
      bank. Confidential information will be kept as secure as possible;
      however, the customer has no enforceable right to total privacy
      from a data packet standpoint. From a customer/vendor standpoint,
      MonkeyBrains will not disclose any confidential information that
      customer gives MonkeyBrains. Steps have been taken to make
      MonkeyBrains as secure as possible, e.g., your web files are not
      viewable by other users who ftp into the MonkeyBrains network, the
      dialup modems are in close proximity to the main MonkeyBrains'
      server, the servers are in a secure location (pass keys and padlock
      key required for access), password protected web directories are
      available through standard Apache configurations (mod_auth), and
      'root' access to the mail/web/ftp server is limited.


For colocation, this should be rewritten:
   2. Security: Colcoation customers are responsible for securing their
   own machines.  Encrypted protocols are recommended for situtions
   needing secure transport.  A packet firewall on the machines are 
   recommended.

I will happily sit down with your Unix Administrator and discuss
secuity in general, and the current security level of your servers.


3.      Personal Files: MonkeyBrains is not responsible for back ups of
subscribers' personal files and other information; furthermore,
MonkeyBrains has the right to delete customer information after the
customer ceases to use MonkeyBrains as his/her ISP. Nightly backups of
user web files are made in case of hardware failure; however, this is not
guaranteed to help in the case of multiple hardware failures of
acts-of-God (such as a very large earthquake!). Users who exceed their
space quota may find it impossible to upload files and/or receive email.
A monthly script warns users (via an automated email) near their quota.
If you break you quota mid-month, you may have may have your access
restricted without warning. NOT APPLICABLE TO COLOCAIOTN
4.      Nontransferability of Account: A customer may not have more than
one login session per account at any time, unless they have paid for
multiple login accounts. Nor may customers transfer or give out their
dialup ID and password for use by friends or others. Account sharing is a
violation of the terms of Acceptable Usage. Violators will be billed
and/or kicked off the MonkeyBrains ISP.NOT APPLICABLE TO COLOCAIOTN
5.      Network Address Ownership: Any IP addresses assigned to customers
are considered loaned to customers, and not given. They will revert back
to MonkeyBrains, after the customer leaves. (Of course if you register
your own domain name, and host it on the MonkeyBrains network, you will
remain in ownership of that name.)
6.      Compliance with All Laws: customers will not violate any laws
while using the services of MonkeyBrains, and customers will "hold the
ISP harmless" in any claim against same.
7.      Unacceptable Conduct: Customers shall not participate in
activities constituting unacceptable conduct-such as (but not limited
to): excessive posting or otherwise abusing USENET, sending unsolicited
emails (spam), using MonkeyBrains to do anything with spam, harassing
other individuals, mail bombing, impersonating or falsifying any
information, violating anyone's privacy, use of IRC bots,
network-unfriendly activity or hacking that causes interference with
normal network operations, attempts to gain unauthorized root access to
MonkeyBrains' servers,  in chain letters, any other attempt to use
MonkeyBrains as a staging ground to hurt others in any way.
8.      Right to Disconnect Nondedicated Accounts: MonkeyBrains reserves
the right to shut down connections that are idle for a 15 minutes, or to
block subscribers who are in any way attempting to use a nondedicated
account as if it were their own personal dedicated 24x7 account.
"unlimited" does not imply a customer may leave his/her machine dialed up
24x7. If a customer wishes to do this, email support@MonkeyBrains.net.
(minimum cost per month for "dedicated" usage is $50/month) (more
questions? Click here!)NOT APPLICABLE TO COLOCAIOTN
9.      Cooperation with Authorities: Warning: upon receiving a summons
for any information by a United States of America Federal, California
State or San Francisco City Local authorized government agency,
MonkeyBrains will allow supervised access to its facilities.  Legal,
binding and written warrant must be provided before access can be allowed
and proper jurisdiction regarding same will be verified.   Upon any legal
inquires to a customers account, the customer will be notified. No
summons have ever been issued for access to the MonkeyBrains network, any
issued will be noted here.
10.     Provider's Right to Suspend or Cancel Accounts: MonkeyBrains is a
private business, customers may think MonkeyBrains is required to provide
them service whether regardless of how demented the customer may be (as
would be if MonkeyBrains were a telecom carrier). This simply is not the
case, so there. If customers pay their bills and obey these rules, there
ought be no trouble.
11.     Rights to Damages: MonkeyBrains have a right to claim economic
damages from subscribers if they violate this AUP and cause MonkeyBrains
significant economic harm. Failure to pay may result in a summons to
appear before the San Francisco City and County judicial system. 
12.     Referral bonuses are given to customers who recommend other
customers to MonkeyBrains.net. Here are some rules on the Referral
Bonuses:

NOT APPLICABLE TO COLOCAIOTN
Here is a possible rewrite for colocation:
12.  Referrals:  any referals will credit the referring party's account up to the
value of one months service of the referee's monthly fees, but not in excess of the monthly rate for the referring party's account.

13.   Right to Modify or Change Service: MonkeyBrains has a right
      to update and change this AUP as MonkeyBrains sees fit. If the
      customer ever disagrees with this AUP, then their sole recourse is
      to cancel service with MonkeyBrains. Note that whenever
      MonkeyBrains does change this AUP, MonkeyBrains has an obligation
      to promptly inform subscribers about any such changes. (You know,
      credit card companies do this all the time.) Any customer who has
      not written within 30 days to protest the change has tacitly agreed
      to abide by the new rules stated in the new AUP.



4.0 Pricing and Fees
    4.1  MonkeyBrains will charge XXXXX the following charges for
    services: 


4.2   At XXXXX's  request, Provide will perform a software check of up
to 10 URLs on XXXXX's web site(s) at least once per minute and will
notify XXXXX by email or phone if the web site is down. It is XXXXX's
responsibility to shutdown and re-start the operating system or take
other appropriate action.

Port monitoring is not currently done, but can be set up.  One of your 
machines could be set up to monitor the other and vice versa.  This 
would cost about $150 to set up.

4.3 If CLIENT requests PROVIDER to setup XXXXX's machine or perform any
other services, PROVIDER will charge CLIENT as follows, with terms of net
30 days.




5.0 Confidentiality
XXXXX agrees to hold Provider's Confidential Information in confidence
and not to disclose such Confidential Information to any third parties. 
For purposes hereof, ^ÓConfidential Information^Ô shall include all
confidential and proprietary information of Provider or any third party,
disclosed by Provider to XXXXX.  The above obligations shall not apply to
Confidential Information which:


6.0 Property
XXXXX's servers (namely, XXXXX.com and pornraider.com) are the sole
property of XXXXX, INC., a California Corporation.  Right to use these
servers is at the sole discretion of XXXXX, INC. and its corporate
officers and authorized personnel.  XXXXX grants permission to
MonkeyBrains' staff to administer and maintain XXXXX's servers.  From
time to time and as agreed, these machines will be accessed to
administer, load software, remove/delete items, etc.  XXXXX and
MonkeyBrains agree that all actions, tasks, processes will be of agreed
intent and shall be legal.  No unauthorized or illegal activity shall
take place on these machines.  By the same terms of the AUP described
above, XXXXX reserves all rights to terminate access to its machines
based upon any misconduct. 
7.0 Termination
This Agreement shall commence on the date first written below and shall
continue until terminated as follows:
Either party may terminate the agreement in the event of a breach by the
other party of any of its obligations contained herein if such breach
continues uncured for a period of thirty (30) days after written notice
of such breach to the other party;
Either party may terminate this agreement upon written notice to the
other party if either party is adjudicated bankrupt, files a voluntary
petition of bankruptcy, makes a general assignment for the benefit of
creditors, is unable to meet its obligations in the normal course of
business as they fall due or if a receiver is appointed on account of
insolvency;
Either party may terminate this agreement for its convenience upon thirty
(30) day^Òs written notice to the other if there is no outstanding
Project Assignment  in effect.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the parties hereto have signed this agreement as of
the date written below.

MonkeyBrains


Signature                                               Date


Name Printed    Rudy Rucker                             Title  Principal



XXXXX, INC.


By                                                      Date



Name Printed            John
Doe             Title           CTO





At 11:08 AM 1/12/01 -0800, you wrote:

      Sadly, I can't open Word documents on a UNIX machine.  Could
      you send
      that over as plain text or as HTML?

      Thanks,
      Rudy

      ---------------------------------------------------
          Join my ISP: http://www.monkeybrains.net/
      ---------------------------------------------------

      On Fri, 12 Jan 2001, John Doe wrote:

      _heya
      _
      _here's a contract for colo, hosting and the like.
      _
      _couldja look it over and get it back to me?
      _
      _thanks,
      _john
      _
      _john doe | CTO | XXXXX, inc.
      _http://www.XXXXX.com | 415.555.1212 main

john doe | CTO | XXXXX, inc.